Unhappy Being A Mother – The Phenomenon ‘Regretting Motherhood’

Unhappy Being a Mother

The Phenomenon Regretting Motherhood

 When mothers can’t love their children….
unhappy being a mother
Unhappy Being a Mother –  klaudiascorner.net

When we think of a mother, what kind of a picture we get in our mind? A compassionate lady who will sacrifice all her comforts and will work ceaselessly in the home without expecting any monetary rewards motivation, only to take care of her children. Is this correct?

Motherhood means sacrifice and pain from day one of conception. But this pain and sacrifice will bring forward a beautiful feeling in a woman after she finds that her children are happy and healthy. That is the only reward she desires from her children. And that is motherhood!

Every animal mother teaches her young ones the art of living in their world. Many expectant mothers talk to their yet to be born baby. From the poorest to the richest mothers, we find that a sense of protecting her progeny is the most common trait.

unhappy being a mother
Many expectant mothers talk to the yet to be born child…

A child should always feel indebted to his/her mother because nobody else including the father sacrifices so much as the mother to bring us up. Mother is compassion and for a young kid,  Mother is God!

unhappy being a mother
The more a mother touches her child the more loved it feels …

For a mother, the child is her extension. Mothers treat the child as same as themselves. In studies, it has been found that babies stop crying when they listen to the recorded sounds of their mother’s womb. The more a mother touches her children physically, the more loved they feel.

So far, so good …. this is motherhood … joy and harmony!

But how’s about mothers, who regret being a mother? Don’t they love their children? Are they callous and heartless? Is it really their own fault and decision to not love their babies? Is there something ‘wrong’ with these women?




Right to the beginning: It’s a German newspaper article about a study where mothers openly confessed regretting having children, that truly perplexed me. The study is groundbreaking since there is almost no research and it also says, motherhood is a culture social construct which feels to these women like a burden rather than the right choice.

unhappy being a mother
Unhappy Being A Mother – When motherhood feels like a burden…

 Unhappy Being a Mother

This is taken from an article originally published by Süddeutsche Zeitung. There was a lot of attention towards mothers who regret their decision in Germany at this moment.

Tirtza (57) thinks her motherhood added nothing to her life – besides trouble and constant worry.

Charlotte (44) says she gains no emotional win from her mother role. Being a mother “is dealing with the henceforth inevitable”.

Atalya (45)  complains, she just can’t understand, what other mothers mean when they are talking about their feelings of luck. She sees being a mother as a burden.

The maternity motherhood is for women even still nowadays a MUST!  The fact that this belongs to a woman’s life, is still unquestioned, and then it is still expected that having children is a warrantor for happiness .”

Another scientific research of the Israeli Orna Donath (sociologist from University of Tel Aviv)
Donath interviewed 23 israelic mothers, aged 25 to 75, to their feelings towards their own mother role. A majority of the women were from the middle class, some had a child, others more than one, some were a single parent, some were married.

The age of the children lays between one and 48 years, some were adults and parents themselves.
Orna Donath asked every one of them: “When you could turn back time, would you become a mother again, with the knowledge you got today ?“  What united the women in the study was their answer  “No“.

unhappy being a mother
Many women stated surprisingly honest not to have children again…

The scientists researched a phenomenon which is called “regretting motherhood”
Most mothers are mothers by their own will and said that they love their children, but are feeling so unhappy in their mother role that they deeply regret the step to have children.

I stumbled upon the following post when I was further researching online, and what I read did really touch me. How just could you not love your babies? But, all these women claim to love their children just can’t evolve that unconditional overwhelming feeling of being a happy caring mother.

Read here Isabella’s moving story:

Isabella Dutton (57)says she wishes she had remained childless.
“I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn’t give back ‘My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow .. having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life. Even now, 33 years on, I can still picture the scene … Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn’t yet woken. I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection. I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

“I know there are millions who will consider me heinously cold-blooded and unnatural, but I believe there will also be those who secretly feel the same …    read the whole ‘confession’ here:  www.dailymail.co.uk

unhappy being a mother
Unhappy being a mother – Maternity is for women still nowadays a must

Nevertheless, among one of the most common questions of being a mother is ” Why did nobody tell me this was so hard ” Hard is one point. Heck is another. When experienced moms give new mommies recommendations about parenthood, it usually obtains concluded at the end with “Of course it’s tough, however when that baby smiles at you, it’s all worth it. “What, if you don’t agree …  if you don’t feel these “all worth it moments” .. what if all you feel is regret?




Some regret having to function early, some regret having children too late or as well too early, some regret increasing their voice or spanking their youngster.

I believe it is time to shed the concept and crash of the ‘supermom with no regrets’. We are not merely mommies, we are human beings with actual feelings. We are no robotics that are consistently happy-go-lucky.

It is easy to judge rapidly, easy to call someone unconcerned and also callous. But these ladies do seriously suffer from the sense of guilt they feel, yet can not change their feelings. It still does not mean, that these mothers don’t love their children. It means, that these women need help, need an open ear to talk about their discrepancies instead of getting labelled as a bad mother! 

unhappy being a mother
Unhappy being a mother means loving your child, but not being a mother

I think it’s not up to anybody to judge … if you get to read some of these mother’s statements, you might understand what constant daily struggle they have to go through. None of them chooses to feel that way, most were looking forward to holding god’s greatest blessing in their arms, not really understanding themselves what’s going wrong now.

A very controversial touchy subject, don’t you think?!

I am gonna leave you with that …

Thanks a lot for reading! 

so far Klaudia

 

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44 Comments on "Unhappy Being A Mother – The Phenomenon ‘Regretting Motherhood’"

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heidi

Nothing I have ever done has been as good as being a mother and sacrifice is part of the deal. During the hardest parts of my life my 3 kids have kept me going so I am indebted to them always.

Elaine

I don’t think it’s a matter of having to explain yourself as a mother, your life is no longer your own and replaced with worry, stress, pain, annoyance, sacrifice which in this modern world of comfort, convenience and choice is difficult to rationalise. The burden of which rests with the woman is a lonely one, exacerbated by the perpetuated fallacy of fulfilment and joy. It’s normal to be unhappy, motherhood is commercialised in a form of unattainable fantasy. This is life and it’s not a picnic, women shouldn’t feel guilty or a failure

Sonnie

Whoah! This is an eye opener, I don’t know what to say except digest the information here. My first thought was, how are the kids? We’ve seen reports here locally (Philippines) of a few mothers badly beat their kids. I wonder if it’s related to regretting motherhood.

In this situation, do you need two interventions, for the mother and the child?

Kati Balayan

Being a mother of 3 myself, I’ve had my moments of pure motherhood bliss. But let me be the first to say that this is not the case ALL THE TIME. There will be times when you’d question why you even had kids to begin with. And it does not make you less of a mother. It just shows you are a human being that gets tired.

Kat

I had 2 children that I actually enjoyed raising – the majority of the time. Yes, there were times that I wanted to strangle them, but that was just momentary frustration due to some situation, not because I regretted having them.

Manju

I know its very easy to be hard on yourself and judge yourself as to whether you are being a good mom or not and that can really spiral out of control! It is important to understand every mom / person is different the way they nurture, take care and do other fun things – you dont have to be everything all at the same time!

chris calvert

Great blog post, it has given me a lot to think about and look forward to reading more of your posts in the future.

Rose Sahetapy

We don’t know everybody’s circustances. What appears on the surface is only the end result what root inside. Some women before having children, really want to be a mother, yet the eagernes change when they have children. While other women claim they don’t want children, yet when they have them, they become the most loving and caring moms. Everybody change according of many aspects occur in live.

Crystal

I am almost turning 40 and do not have children. I often wonder if I would regret not having kids, but reading this post makes me feel better about my decision.

Michelle

Wow – I thinks it’s incredibly courageous for those women to speak about regretting motherhood. For me as a mother of 3 children and a successful entrepreneur 3 times over it’s not something that I regret at all. My children are my greatest teachers. Out of all the books I have read, the conference I have been to, the mentors I have engaged – nothing comes near the quality of learning from them.

Eloise

Great topic… I love when bloggers post these kind of articles to get people to think about issues they might not have. It’s hard for me to understand how some mothers dislike being a mom(altogether)… I DO understand there are hard days, very hard days where you might wish to be alone and not have to care for anyone but yourself! I almost lost my life and I cherish moments with my kids!

shawn

interesting read. I know some single mothers, who seem unhappy, although the main reason is not the child but because they have been left by their boyfriend’s when it was time for them to take responsibility. This in turn creates a huge burden, sometimes it is hardly bearable. This problem seems much less frequent to me when a couple sticks together.

ana

I think that some of us are conditioned to be more maternal than others, when I was a kid I was bullied and abused and essentially abandoned by my father and mother. I grew up in care at the age of 10-18 and my life has been tultomous which is why if I had children I would give them the upbringing that I never had. I love children and at one point wanted to be a teacher which I did for a time.

Tori Gabriel

Wow. I really don’t know what to say to this. I absolutely love being a Mum. Yes, some days are shit but I don’t regret it for a second. I struggle to understand any mother that would to be honest. It must be awful because on top of feeling like that they will also feel guilty for feeling like that.

Tammy

What a great read. So many people just expect mothers to go into it and absolutely love their new role in life. For some people it’s just not like that. It’s just the way it is. Some people think they’ll be great mothers, but when push comes to shove, they realise it really isn’t for them, but by then it’s too late… It doesn’t mean the child isn’t loved though, far from it.

Indigo

I’m really glad I never had children. It never was something I even thought I wanted. I remember the day my GYN told me I couldn’t get pregnant anymore. It was like a weight I didn’t even know I’d been carrying was suddenly lifted off my shoulders. I literally gasped with delight. I’m so grateful all 3 of my sisters had kids, because being an aunt rocks. But motherhood isn’t the choice for all.

Style With Tina

Great article. I’m not a mother yet so I wouldn’t know. I do believe you should create life, only because YOU BOTH WANT IT… not because society says so.

Diana

I always said I didn’t want children of my own and now I have two kids who make my heart glow. I have known of women who wanted kids and looked forward to motherhood only to regret it. Maybe the expectations set upon women and the ones they set for themselves in regards of motherhood can play an important role in how they feel about motherhood once they have kids

therese glenn

Wow! this sis such an insightful post. i dont have kids yet but i want to have a few. i just dont think im ready yet though, good thing my husband is very understanding and open minded. i think the woman should be prepared in every way possible before having kids for the better of the family <3

Enni Maria

Interesting article. You often read of the bride sides of motherhood, so it was very interesting to read about the other side. I really think getting a baby is a huge decision.

Jessica Hardges

This was a a candidly honest view of some mothers and I do not feel that way but I can understand. Going into motherhood with a rosy view and thinking everything will be alright is setting yourself up for failure.

sheri

This is the other side of motherhood. many mums go through feeling of unworthiness or helplessness after having a baby. some suffer from PPD, some are natural nurturers and some are not. i think it is most important to show your child love and affection, if that is not possible or you feel your child is a burden, then maybe other options need to be sought out for the sake of the child.

Joanna

I think it is very important to think and decide if you want children or not, if motherhood is for you or not. And you have to make this decision before, and not after you’re having a child. Some women just know they are not made to be mothers. And by being confused and thinking that having a child will change their feelings, they will ruin that child’s life, because a child needs to feel loved!

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