Unhappy Being a Mother
The Phenomenon Regretting Motherhood
When mothers can’t love their children….
When we think of a mother, what kind of a picture we get in our mind? A compassionate lady who will sacrifice all her comforts and will work ceaselessly in the home without expecting any monetary rewards motivation, only to take care of her children. Is this correct?
Motherhood means sacrifice and pain from day one of conception. But this pain and sacrifice will bring forward a beautiful feeling in a woman after she finds that her children are happy and healthy. That is the only reward she desires from her children. And that is motherhood!
Every animal mother teaches her young ones the art of living in their world. Many expectant mothers talk to their yet to be born baby. From the poorest to the richest mothers, we find that a sense of protecting her progeny is the most common trait.
A child should always feel indebted to his/her mother because nobody else including the father sacrifices so much as the mother to bring us up. Mother is compassion and for a young kid, Mother is God!
For a mother, the child is her extension. Mothers treat the child as same as themselves. In studies, it has been found that babies stop crying when they listen to the recorded sounds of their mother’s womb. The more a mother touches her children physically, the more loved they feel.
So far, so good …. this is motherhood … joy and harmony!
But how’s about mothers, who regret being a mother? Don’t they love their children? Are they callous and heartless? Is it really their own fault and decision to not love their babies? Is there something ‘wrong’ with these women?
Right to the beginning: It’s a German newspaper article about a study where mothers openly confessed regretting having children, that truly perplexed me. The study is groundbreaking since there is almost no research and it also says, motherhood is a culture social construct which feels to these women like a burden rather than the right choice.
Unhappy Being a Mother
This is taken from an article originally published by Süddeutsche Zeitung. There was a lot of attention towards mothers who regret their decision in Germany at this moment.
Tirtza (57) thinks her motherhood added nothing to her life – besides trouble and constant worry.
Charlotte (44) says she gains no emotional win from her mother role. Being a mother “is dealing with the henceforth inevitable”.
Atalya (45) complains, she just can’t understand, what other mothers mean when they are talking about their feelings of luck. She sees being a mother as a burden.
The maternity motherhood is for women even still nowadays a MUST! The fact that this belongs to a woman’s life, is still unquestioned, and then it is still expected that having children is a warrantor for happiness .”
Another scientific research of the Israeli Orna Donath (sociologist from University of Tel Aviv)
Donath interviewed 23 israelic mothers, aged 25 to 75, to their feelings towards their own mother role. A majority of the women were from the middle class, some had a child, others more than one, some were a single parent, some were married.
The age of the children lays between one and 48 years, some were adults and parents themselves.
Orna Donath asked every one of them: “When you could turn back time, would you become a mother again, with the knowledge you got today ?“ What united the women in the study was their answer “No“.
The scientists researched a phenomenon which is called “regretting motherhood”
Most mothers are mothers by their own will and said that they love their children, but are feeling so unhappy in their mother role that they deeply regret the step to have children.
I stumbled upon the following post when I was further researching online, and what I read did really touch me. How just could you not love your babies? But, all these women claim to love their children just can’t evolve that unconditional overwhelming feeling of being a happy caring mother.
Read here Isabella’s moving story:
Isabella Dutton (57)says she wishes she had remained childless.
“I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn’t give back ‘My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow .. having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life. Even now, 33 years on, I can still picture the scene … Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn’t yet woken. I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection. I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.
“I know there are millions who will consider me heinously cold-blooded and unnatural, but I believe there will also be those who secretly feel the same … read the whole ‘confession’ here: www.dailymail.co.uk
Nevertheless, among one of the most common questions of being a mother is ” Why did nobody tell me this was so hard ” Hard is one point. Heck is another. When experienced moms give new mommies recommendations about parenthood, it usually obtains concluded at the end with “Of course it’s tough, however when that baby smiles at you, it’s all worth it. “What, if you don’t agree … if you don’t feel these “all worth it moments” .. what if all you feel is regret?
Some regret having to function early, some regret having children too late or as well too early, some regret increasing their voice or spanking their youngster.
I believe it is time to shed the concept and crash of the ‘supermom with no regrets’. We are not merely mommies, we are human beings with actual feelings. We are no robotics that are consistently happy-go-lucky.
It is easy to judge rapidly, easy to call someone unconcerned and also callous. But these ladies do seriously suffer from the sense of guilt they feel, yet can not change their feelings. It still does not mean, that these mothers don’t love their children. It means, that these women need help, need an open ear to talk about their discrepancies instead of getting labelled as a bad mother!
I think it’s not up to anybody to judge … if you get to read some of these mother’s statements, you might understand what constant daily struggle they have to go through. None of them chooses to feel that way, most were looking forward to holding god’s greatest blessing in their arms, not really understanding themselves what’s going wrong now.
A very controversial touchy subject, don’t you think?!
I am gonna leave you with that …
Thanks a lot for reading!
so far Klaudia